These past 2 weeks have been hard, a hard I am really struggling with. Sunday at church people could see my hard, and that bothers me. I was struggling to breath and still am. I am holding more fluid then I need to and it is backing into my lungs which is causing me to feel like I can not catch a full breath. We have a plan in motion to elevate the fluid but it takes time. So add that on to the battle that is happening in my mind and I was just spent before I even walked in the door. Then comes the shame, shame that I can not shove those feelings aside and put on a face that all is fine. It becomes a vicious cycle that I am just wanting to get off.
Last night was football night and I was excited because I wanted to sit home alone and just talk to God in silence. I did more crying then anything and really wanted to figure out how to get out of this pit. I have been asked by several people to help and each time I decline. Why? It would make life easier, it would help me in so many ways. Because in my mind there is a score card Faye against Amyloidosis and the more I give in, the more help I get its like the scales are tipping in favor of Amyloidosis and I am losing me. I do not want to feel like a burden, an obligation. This is not like helping out with surgery and then in a month I am going to be 100% again, its a slow decline over time.
I was sent this verse and reminded that I am stealing people’s blessings, and putting myself in God’s seat when I am declining help, because God placed it on their heart to do such. I wish I could say that I was like ok and it all made sense and was ready to accept all help. God is still working on me.
I have never really been in this place before when I know it is Satan’s lies yet my heart finds truth in it. My head knows that God has not left me, that He is weeping with me, that He is with me every step and in the steps I have not even taken yet, but my heart is burdened. My heart is troubled, my heart is longing for answers I know I will not get, my heart is longing for the life I envisioned for our family, my friends, my heart is broken as more and more decline happens. My heart feels alone in a room full of people, my heart begs God to take this away. My heart feels like this is too much stress for my boys, and for Brad that although his job is stressful so is this and caused an er trip and medication to help bring down his blood pressure. My heart is scared for the journey for my family and my friends. My heart is everything against what my head knows, what my friends are sending me and I am struggling to get them back in sync again.
Last night was the first time I cried out from deep within my heart, not many words were said but I know God heard and understood each tear. Nothing has changed today, I am still where I was last night but I can feel chips being made at the heart, at Satans lies.
My prayer is that when people ask to help that God flashes this verse in my head before I say no….that I let them work for Him….
No one ever said refining was easy…..so God keep refining me to who you want me to be………one moment at a time…
So thankful to have friends who walk home with me…….