By I am being refined and I can look back and see it. Last week I sent out a flare for prayers because this was me, I drew a line in the sand and said I will go this far God with Amyloidosis but no further, at the time I didn’t see the line I thought I was being faithful in this journey and allowing Him to use it but I wasn’t not with this, I say I am BEING refined because while I understand what I did I am not freely giving it all the way up yet, I walk over the line and find myself coming back.
Last week my legs hurt so bad, I tried everything, prayers, more medicine, moving them, propping them up, I was in tears. As soon as Brad came home I said I was going to soak them in hot hot water to calm the nerves down. It worked, they went outside to work out, and my legs went completely numb and I was stuck. I literally threw myself out of the tub and sat on the floor in tears, saying to God that I was ok with this level of diminished function but to please leave it there—my line.
To have my legs go numb and be stuck was scary but what was scarier to me was the thought of losing more, the thought of this being it Brad having to carry me places, pick me up. It was more then my heart could handle at that moment. Basically I said God I won’t be ok losing anymore. Same with church (I emailed my dr today to fill out the handicap form) the parking changed and the whole time walking I am literally begging God to not have me fall, another line. I can fall anywhere God just not here, not now. It was so bad yesterday I didnt want to stop and talk to anyone I had to concentrate on my feet moving. And even just that little bit more of walking right now makes my legs by the end of the night in such pain. I am also looking into canes to help, but if I am going to do a cane, because I am who I am, I need one that just rocks and has personality.
I would be lying if I wasn’t scared of this walk, because it’s not unknown, I know what will happen medically, I had a front row seat with my dad. I have been praying that God would just keep me here till my boys turn 18 so I can usher them into adulthood-another line. 2 days ago my prayer changed, that He makes every day mean something, that we use everyday and make it count. A year ago when I got diagnosed i started a book for each of them, and Brad, and not everyday but I write them letters, so when it is my time, even if its before they turn 18, they will have what I wanted to say forever. I know total freedom is waiting for me when I stop drawing lines, but I can see the process of refinement because I can now see the lines I am drawing. I can also look back over this year and see God’s hand.
He has placed amazing people in my life, who pray when I need it and are always willing to step in and help. I know a lot of people have asked how they can help, and although I know I am hard headed I don’t know some days I can barely keep my head above the water, other days I am good. I just don’t know. Prayers are always appreciated, my boys are creatures of habits and things are changing. If Brad isn’t around Bradley feels like he has to walk right next to me in case I fall and need him, which is why I am getting the cane, for when stores don’t have shopping carts and I need a bit more help. I am working on, not working but praying God works in me to draw less lines, and feel total freedom in this journey of Amyloidosis. That no matter where it takes me I am not only ok with it, but have total JOY in it. Thank you all who checked in on me, I am forever grateful for the friends that I have. Keep refining me God….refine me and lets move these lines…..
